Saturday, May 16, 2015

As If

Fail - ure.  Fail - ure.  Fail - ure.

The label pounded in my brain as my feet kept the rhythm.

I was walking.

      I was supposed to be running. My phone reminded me: "Workout paused." Translation: "What's wrong with you?"

My side was cramping

     I should have been fine.

Fail - ure.  Fail - ure.  Fail - ure.

Someone interrupted:

"Who's telling you that?"

A tear escaped as I pressed my lips together.

This dumb sheep is starting to recognize her Shepherd's voice.

I want my voice to remind other people of His. But let's be real.
Right now the deceiver is hijacking it. Following dreadful, self-attacking nightmares from my subconscious narrator, the same inner script accuses me from the moment my conscience wakes up.

A raven shrieked and I snapped back to attention.
The question.
Right.
Ok, Lord. Not You.   Good call.

May 15th. Wow. It's been... months. A long time. A lot of months. Over a year depending on when I start counting.
I should be better. sigh  Sounds familiar.
I should be running again. In life, you know?
It's pathetic that it still hurts too much to run.

"Who's telling you that?"

I physically shook my head from side to side.
Then I looked up.
The pines really were beautiful.
The snow-dressed mountains danced in the distance.
His voice came again:

"What makes this so bad?"

I thought about it. Why do I feel like a failure when I slow down? I guess because I know there's a next level, and I'm not there. I should always do my best. Right? I feel shame until I've reached the point I've set as my fullest capability.
Why?
Why do I do that?

step
step
step
step

To feel worth it.

another tear .. as it really comes to me

To feel worth dying for.

As if..
As if I'm contributing to my worth.
As if I have anything to do with it.
That knowledge should make me kick up my heels in freedom!
We are released from the ability to earn love!
But that's all I know how to do so far. earn love.
So grace will debilitate me until I learn to accept it freely.
It's awesome and awful that God doesn't expect better of me.
My pride wishes He did so I could prove myself.

Want to know one of my new favorite verses? 1 Kings 19:7.

"The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said,
'Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.'"


He knows.
I'm not fooling anybody. Least of all Him. Not even the angels. It's a cool story if you have some time to read it. Basically Elijah was spent, admitted he was done, an angel provided food and water, and then God came down to Elijah in a gentle whisper of direction.
He's not disgusted with our humanness... with my inadequacy, like I so often picture Him.
He just loves us!

I don't know how to say it.   I'm mad that I'm still mad. I'm embarrassed that I'm not "over it".
It's time I admit this "journey is too much" for me. Secret's out. Not without His strong, strong love. And I won't receive His strength without first humbling myself to receive His grace.

 "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace."
Romans 6:14

2 comments:

Kate said...

"Grace will debilitate me until I learn to accept it freely."

Wow! So good. Thank you so much for writing this. I'm at a point in my life where I'm learning to relinquish control of my "progress", and to stop pressuring myself to be more, better, and farther along. This post was such an encouragement. :)

Justina Slimak said...

This is good. Good, good, good. And ironic that I just read this because of what we talked about last night ;) He is speaking through you! But sometimes, it's the hardest to listen when it is our own soul He is working through.